I've decided to write this as the episode as it airs. I'd imagine my every reaction will be recorded. I will most definitely come across as batshit insane. Anyway, it's been almost 6 months since I've seen a fresh episode of Lost. BUT FINALLY. THE COUNTDOWN OF (FARA)DAYS IS OVER. T-minus 15 minutes until it begins. I better get some god forsaken answers...
OH GOD IT'S STARTING PREVIOUSLY ON LOST WAAHHHHHOOO
Oh Faraday. I MISS YOU. Recaps. I feel so nostalgic.
WHITE
EVERYTHING'S WHITE
SMOKE
OMG
PLANE?
WHAT
WHAT
OH
MY
GOD
THEY
DID
IT
THEY CHANGED IT.
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|
FUCKING CINDY
WHAT
I'M SO
OMG
TURBULENCE
:|
ROOOOOSE
WHY
WHAT
WHAT IS HAPPENING
....
IT STOPPED. The turbulence stopped.
DOES JACK KNOW? IS HE AWARE? IS HE AWARE OF HOW THEY CHANGED THE PAST
TELL ME
TELL ME
Yeah. All is good in the world. Let's go take a piss.
OMG I THINK HE KNOWS. OH HI BLOOD WAT R U DOING THERE
DESMOND WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
WHY
ARE
YOU
ON
815
WHAT
WHAT
Okay, so he doesn't know. But he recognizes Desmond. Oh my God this is too weird.
Underwater what fish omg scary
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMG
THE STATUE. UNDERWATER. WHAT.
BOOM. LOST.
Oh God, a commercial. Alright, so I just read that over and this is not the format I was planning. I will try to tone it down from here on out. This is supposed to be a review of sorts after all. Okay so. We know that they managed to change the past. They never crashed on the island. And Jack doesn't remember anything about the crash or time travel or sexy bearded scientists. AND THE ISLAND IS UNDERWATER. DID YOU SEE THAT? THE BARRACKS. THE STATUE. WHAAAAAT. WHY. MORE QUESTIONS. JUST FUCKING GREAT. OH GOD IT'S BACK SHHH.
Flashback to the "incident". Oh, no. Juliet. :( You were just starting to grow on me. I LOVE THE FADE TO WHITE THING THEY GOT GOING ON. OMG AN EYE :| Juliet? Oh. It's just Kate. Fuck this shit.
WHAT
WHAT
SHE'S DEAF
AND IN A TREE
WHAT THE FUCK
WHAT
THE
FUCK
:|
You climb down that tree, Jane. I'm so confused. Is she on the island? BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS UNDERWATER. WHAT IS GOING ONNNNN. Different time I suppose? OMFG MILES I LOVE YOU BUT YOU DIDN'T MAKE IT EITHER I GUESS. OMFG.
... They're back in present. On the island. I am so confused. SAWYER.
JACK.
JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK?!!?!!?1?!/1/1/11!!?
HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?
SAWYER WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR REDNECK PROBLEM. VIOLENCE IS NEVER THE ANSWER.
Oh, yeah. Juliet's dead. Oh fuck. :( YES IT DID WORK SAWYER YES IT DID. THERE ARE JUST TWO OF YOU IN THE WORLD NOW. I'M GUESSING.
Oh hello plane. MARSHALL WSUP. Ew, Kate. I want lasagna. LMFAO SAWYER YOUR HAIR IS PRECIOUS. FRESHLY BLOW-DRIED.
Arzt, I liked you better when you blew up. Uh oh. I saw that look, Sawyer. Don't con Hurley. Fucker.
... k so Hurley doesn't have bad luck? Or is he being facetious?
JIN AND ISLAND HURLEY WEE SAYID OMG ARE YOU DEAD DON'T BE DEAD BAMF
OMG SOMEONE IS BURIED UNDERNEATH THE HATCH RUBBLE WHO IS IT HOLY FUCK IS IT JULIET
OH
MY
GOD
I LOVE YOU SAYID BUT FUCK OFF I WANNA SEE IF JULIET IS OKAY
Who is lurking in the bushes? Smokey? Hurley has got a gun and he knows how to shoot it. Beware.
JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB
Commercial.
HOLY FUCKCITY. Okay. So. There are two sets of Losties now? One on the plane, who aren't aware of anything to do with the island. And the other on the island, believing their plan to blow up the swan failed. And Jacob is alive. But then again, he's Jacob. Can he really die? Let's be honest. And Juliet may or may not be buried in rubble. Alive. I WONDER WHERE THAT EYELINER-WEARING STALLION NAMED RICHARD IS. I'd like to see how he's doing.
OH SUN HI HOW R U BB Prude-y Jin. Don't like you much. Locke. Creepy. OOH MY GOD BOONE. BOONE. I MAY CRY I LOVE YOU SO :') Lmfao look at Frogurt in the middle. Shannon isn't on the plane? Really? Whoa. No, don't stick with Locke, Boone. You'll die. Stupid.
Back on the island. LOCKE. OH GOD. NO, FLOCKE. MR. X. THE MAN IN BLACK. AND BEN. Never thought I'd say this but.. poor Ben. Oh man, I forgot about Bram and Ilana. Go away. FRANKIE BABYYY! I take back my Ben pity. STOP LYING. RICHARD WILL FUCK. YOU. UP. OH LOOK. DEAD LOCKE. BOOM. ROASTED.
Another commercial? So soon, Bro.
What do we consider the plane scenes? And the island post-explosion scenes. And the island Jin/Ben/Frank scenes? Flashbacks? Flashforwards? MY HEAD HURTS.
It's back. They're digging Juliet out. How could she possibly live through that? I highly doubt it, c'mon. And it was pretty deep. The hatch was never that deep. Where is she? ANSWERS. DIG FASTER, MUTTS. Jacob and Hurley. This is a dream come true. SAVE SAYID, JACOB. DO IT.
...omg. Ghost Jacob. He died. Only Hurley can see him. What. Whaaaaat. WHAT ABOUT SMOKEY? HOW CAN HURLEY TAKE SAYID TO THE TEMPLE WITH SMOKEY PRANCING AROUND?
"If she dies, I'll kill him," exclaimed Sawyer, quite gayly.
HI CINDY. CINDY NEEDS JACK. I BET IT'S CHARLIE IN THE BATHROOM. ANY MONEY. 50 BUCKS? GUARANTEED. AAAAND I'M RIGHT. Oh. My. God. Charlie died. CHARLIE DIED.
WHY CANT THIS MAN JUST LIVE A LONG AND HAPPY AND SEXY LIFE?
WHY.
LIVE, CHARLIE, LIIIIVE.
...why in fuckcity did you swallow your stash? Oh, to hide it. WELL HE'S ALIVE NOW. YAY. PLAY ME SOME TUNES, BOY.
I see a hand. And some blood. Is Juliet alive? She's moving. She's alive. WAHOO. Not for long, I suspect. Oh, man. I don't need this cheese right now. Where are my tissues?
JACK CAN'T DO SHIT. BUT HURLEY CAN. FUCK YEAH, HE TALKS TO DEAD PEOPLE.
Back to Ben/Sun/Frankie times. Ben is still being creepy, even in times of shock. I hope Bram dies. He's unnecessary. NOW'S YOUR CHANCE. KILL THEM, FLOCKE. LOLOLOL PUSSY. FLOCKE GETS SHOT AT AND DISAPPEARS. And the bullet is left. What?
OMG
OMG
OMG
SMOKEY
I HEAR YOU
OH FUCK
OH SHIT
YEAH DON'T BOTHER RUNNING
YOU'RE ALL SCREWED
WHAT IS THAT POWDER THAT SMOKEY CAN'T GET THROUGH? DAMN. LOL BRAM IS DEAD. SMOKEY WINS. A+ Ben is scared and confused. What's behind you? OH MY GOD IT'S FLOCKE.
WHAT
WHAT
"I'M SORRY YOU HAD TO SEE ME LIKE THAT."
MR. X. IS. SMOKEY. :|:|:|
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
Okay. Commercial. Time to review. Mr. X, or, The Man in Black is the smoke monster. Shape-shifter. Funny. That makes sense, I guess. Black smoke, the man in black. ICWYDT DARLTON. So that sand.
The ash. I guess it's a barrier from the monster. It circled Jacob's cabin in "protection". Of course Bram had some as Jacob's "bodyguard".
IT'S BACK. Sawyer is so feisty. Calm the fuck down, bro. Juliet cracking jokes. Wait, is she joking? Or going out of her mind? No. No. She's dead. Oh, God. That sucks tits. :'(
"You did this," exclaimed Sawyer, quite gayly.
Okay. So let me guess. Cindy and Jack get in on in the real world. This flirtatiousness is nauseating. They're safely landing in Los Angeles. I don't think I'm gonna get used to this. None of you will ever know each other. How depressing is that? Sun and Jin will be miserable. Jack and Cindy will make sweet love into the night. With daddy issues. Boone will waste his life taking care of Shannon. Kate will be on the run or in jail for the rest of hers. Charlie too, but only for a little while. Rose will die of cancer. Sawyer will be a lonely con man until he dies. Locke, meet wheelchair. YOU SEE THIS? THIS IS WHAT THEY WANTED TO GO BACK TO? THIS IS A FUCKING RIPOFF. ISLAND LIFE WAS WAY BETTER THAN THIS. IT WAS FULL OF FRIENDSHIP AND COMRADERY AND ADVENTURE. Dumbasses.
What's in Hurley's guitar case? ANSWER ME, PLEASE. Jack looks constipated. He's been really backed up since the explosion. Speaking of which, they want him at the courtesy desk. The casket is not on the plane. They don't know where it is. I DO! MEMEMEME! ON THAT NOTE, WHERE IS CLAIRE? I MISS HER DEARLY. Hole in the floor under the temple. Reminds me of Via Domus. Right, Helen? WHISPERS? WHAT? OMG. Kate's gone. Following the whispers, I assume? What the fuck is going on? Everyone disappeared? SOMEONE RUNNING AROUND. Oh, it's the others. THAT'S THE TEMPLE!? AND PEOPLE LIVE IN THE TEMPLE? Do they live there? Work there? Guard it? I'm assuming they're the hostiles/others.
Kate's trying to escape from the marshal. Of course. Typical. Oh, he gonna catch you. He sees the spring from the pen. Oh shit, when animals attack up in this bitch. Poor marshal. Never gets a break. Of course she shares an elevator with Sawyer. If they end up together I will gnaw my own hand off. Gross, Sawyer. Gross. OH RIGHT MILES CAN SEE THE LAST MOMENTS OF A DEAD PERSON. JULIET IS DEAD. DO IT UP, PUNK. He's twitching.
Miles just said it worked. What? Juliet wanted to tell Sawyer that it worked. How would she know if it worked if they were still on the island? Maybe that has something to do with her talking funny before she died. Something about a coffee shop. WE'LL SEE, I GUESS.
Who's this Japanese dude. Oh look, it's Cindy. I was gonna spaz, I thought it was Claire. Damn it. WHAT. SHOOT? NO. JACOB SENT THEM. YES. Prove it. OMG WHAT'S IN THE GUITAR CASE? A cross. K. K. K. K. Sure. MEANING? WHY DID YOU BREAK IT, FUCKTARD? Oh, there's a note. OOO I LOVE GOSSIP. I guess Jacob knew they'd show up at the temple. IF SAYID DIES, THEY'RE IN A LOT OF TROUBLE. FINALLY, SAYID GETS SOME FUCKING APPRECIATION. GQMF.
WHY DOES JIN HAVE OVER $10,000. I HATE NORMAL JIN. I WANT ISLAND JIN. SPEAK UP SUN.
IDIOT.
Oh, look. The temple has an indoor heated pool. EW DUDE JUST SHANKED HIS OWN HAND. OW, MAN. Oh, he's testing the water to see if it'll heal. "Do what you have to do." WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT ABOUT "WHAT ARE THE RISKS?" OR "WILL WE GET HURT?"
FUCKING IDIOT.
Oh, come on. Cheer up. We all know Sayid ain't dead. They wouldn't let that happen.
HOLY SHIT THEY LET THAT HAPPEN
:|
NO. SAYID. NO. NO. NO. NINJA GQMF BAMF. FUCK THIS SHIT. Jack's compulsion is kicking in again. To the rescue. WHY DID HE STOP TRYING TO BRING SAYID BACK? REMEMBER SEASON 1? WHEN KATE TOLD HIM TO STOP BUT HE DIDN'T AND CHARLIE CAME BACK? BUT OF COURSE JACK JUST GIVES UP NOW. WHAT IF HE KEPT ON GOING? MAYBE SAYID WOULD'VE COME BACK. FUCKING HELL, MAN.
I am not happy with either of you, Darlton. Really. Mannn. There's no way Sayid is dead forever. That is just not possible. Ever.
LOL FROGURT. ALWAYS IN THE WAY. Kate you're screwed. Why can't you just get locked up and never heard from again. OMFG CLAIRE. CLAIRE. CLAIRE.
CLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIRE.
ZACK AND EMMA! THE TAILIE KIDS. Good to see they're okay. Japanese bro speaks English. Jacob's dead. GRAB THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN. RAISE YOUR GUNS. SPREAD THE ASH. SHIT IS GONNA HIT. THE. FAN.
Oh, God. The man in black really is evil. Like, REALLY evil. How would Mr. X know the last thought that John was thinking before Ben killed him? WAS HE THERE? I BET HE WAS THERE OR SOMETHING. This may sound fucked up, but I like Mr. X. Brother speaks the truth. He wants to go home. What home? You've been there for hundreds of years. What do you have off the island? ANSWERSSSSSSSSSSSSS. ON THAT NOTE, IF MR. X IS THE SMOKE MONSTER, AND EVERYONE IS SCARED OF AND HATES MR. X, THEN WHY DOES THE SMOKE MONSTER "PROTECT" THE TEMPLE? AND WHY DID HE ALLOW BEN TO "SUMMON" HIM. KINDA SEEMS CONDESCENDING. I DON'T KNOW, IF I WAS A MURDEROUS DUDE HELL BENT ON TAKING MY ENEMY DOWN AND GETTING "HOME", I WOULDN'T TAKE ORDERS FROM A BUG-EYED DOUCHENOZZLE. I'M NOT SAYIN', I'M JUST SAYIN'.
MILESSSSS. WHAT WERE SAYID'S LAST THOUGHTS? THIS IS OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE. WHAT IF IT HOLDS ANSWERSSSS.
ANSWERSSSSSSS.
K. Locke. We don't need you getting all spiritual and shit right now. Serious matter. Missing corpse. Fuck his soul. No offense to the dead, er anything. Oh, look. I foresee a friendship between Locke and Jack in the real world. Jack will heal Locke and then they'll make sweet love into the night.
HOLY SHIT JACK'S CREW IS IN THE SAME TIME AS RICHARD'S CREW.
"I'M SEEING IT BUT I'M STILL NOT BELIEVING IT." FUCK I LOVE YA FRANKIE
WHAT THE FUCK
STOP IT
STOP
HURTING
MY BEAUTIFUL
SPANISH
STALLION
RICHARD.
FUCKING MR. X I HATE YOU
I TAKE BACK WHAT I SAID
YOU'RE A REGULAR ROTTING TIT. WHERE ARE YOU TAKING RICHARD? BRING HIM BACK OMFG PLEASE.
:'(
SAYID
SAYID
SAYIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID
IS ALIVE.
HE
IS
MOTHER
FUCKING
ALIVE
FUCK
YES
BOOM. LOST.
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